Through Bus

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Joys Of A Long Neck

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

Went To Istanbul

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Annoy Your Stallmate

-Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

-Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

-Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

-Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

-Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

-Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

-Say, "Now how did that get there?"

-Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
-Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

-Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

-Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

-Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

-Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

-Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

-Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

-Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

-Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

-Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Water Bridge Way

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50 Fun Things In The Elevator

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14.One word: Flatulence!

15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16.Do Tai Chi exercises.

17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20.Meow occasionally.

21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29.Leave a box between the doors.

30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32.Start a sing-along.

33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34.Play the accordion.

35.Shadow box.

36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37.Lean against the button panel.

38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41.Bring a chair along.

42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43.Blow spit bubbles.

44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH !!"

Stack Living

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Say What You Mean

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?"
Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"

Small Charming

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You know you're from Canada when...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Printable Version

Skull Cap

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Elderly Ride

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Punk Race

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Confucious Says

Chinese Wisdom, translated:-)
Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.�
Man who run behind car get exhausted.�
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.�
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.�
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.�
Man with one chopstick go hungry.�
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.�
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.�
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.�
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.�
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.�
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.�
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.�
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.�