Wedding Day

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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.".

Water Pistols Maniac

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Fresh From Jail

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".

Washing Machine

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Stephen Wright Jokes

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'

I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.

Was Not a Chicken

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epheopians

How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?
PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THERE
How do you get em out?
RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER

Vampire Toothbrush

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Lesbian Dinosaur

What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?

A Lickalottapus

Typical Summer Activities

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Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?".

Umbrella Formula

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Pinochio

Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?
A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"

Used Pants

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Three legged dog

A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".

UFO Bra

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The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me cum and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."