I Miss You

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The Egg

Why are eggs so frustrated?

They only get laid once, eaten once, and you have to boil them to eat them hard!

Hundred Children

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Quickies

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????

A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A. To find a tight seal.

Q. Can you hold, please?

A. Incontinence Hotline...

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A. K9P.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?

A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snowblower coming.

How Lucky

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Twas the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

Homer Art

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Starter Pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Hear Me

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All About Scooby-Doo.

What We Remember:

Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:

Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy's mask off to solve a mystery,.. but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids always seem to 'find' trouble.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence:

Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however...

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.

Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slingin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin' their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'.

Halfman Cry

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Do it yourself

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN PUT THE CANVAS AWAY THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE NO CIRCUS TODAY.
----------------

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S THE BEST IN THE LAND BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND !

Croc Golfer

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Role reversal

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."

Golf Ball Thief

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Poor Mildred

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Global Warming

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Sex education

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says, "I know I know! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says, "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

Give Me That Hammer

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Quickies

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Giant Toilet Paper

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HALLMARK CARDS THAT YOU'LL NEVER SEE...

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one, of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me

Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Ghetto Bike

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Mother

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom.

German Police

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Division

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Fat Hacker

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Listen To The Doctor

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still smoking.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."