Santa in A Plane

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Prison and Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.

Dead End

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Top Stories For The Year 2035

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar
Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

Dead Bug 3D

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Who's in charge?

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

Canyon Gondola

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Bowel Gotta Move

An Indian Chief named Bowel recieved a letter telling him that he would have to move from his home,so he went to town to the bureau of Indian affairs.
once he was there, he mistakenly entered a Dr.s office.
when the Dr. came out he inquired as to what the problem might be.
the Chief replied "Bowel no move'.
the Dr. said "no problem, just take these pills and come back in a week"
A week passed and Bowel returned. The Dr. asked how things were, to which he replied, "Bowel still no move". the Dr. gave him more pills and told him to return in a week. The week passed and once more Bowel was at the Dr.s office again the Dr. inquired as to how things were. Bowel replied " Bowel gotta move, tee-pee fulla shit!"

Benz4BJ

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Railroad Lady

Bob and Dave would always meet each other for drinks after work. One day, Bob did not show. Dave became worried and was going to look for him when he ran into Bob at the door. Bob's hair was all mussed, his clothes were disheveled and grass-stained, and he was covered in sweat.
Dave:Oh, man, are you okay? Did you get mugged?
Bob:No, you won't believe what just happened to me. I was on my way over here by the railroad tracks and I saw this woman lying buck naked in the grass!
Dave:No way!
Bob:Oh, yeah! She had the most gorgeous body! Man, I fucked her every dirty way I could think of!
Dave: No way! Did you get a blowjob?
Bob: Oh, no. She didn't have a head.