Parking Think

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3 Men

3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.

"It's your lucky day!" said the genie. "Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it."

The first man jumped and said "Budweiser!" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.

The second man jumped and said "Coke!" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.

The third man jumped and said...

"Weeeeeeeee!!"

Parking Gone Wrong

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Wine Bottles

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

Paralel Parking

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Who Reads the Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Own Drink

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Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

One Pack

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Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."