Funny Eggs

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Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then
she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt
Karen when she's been drinking."

Flip Over

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Spend Your Money Wisely

A man was short on cash but was horny as hell. He entered a brothel on the edge of town and said to the girl at the desk "i've only got $10. What can i get for $10?" To which the girl replied "go in the second door on the right sir". The man walked towards the door, delighted to be getting some action for just 10 bucks. He entered the room to see a huge tv screen and dvd player. Beside it was an enormous collection of dvd porn and several bottles of lube. The man was over the moon with excitement, he quickly picked a dvd and turned it on. He then spent the best hour of his life jerking off and came many times.

He cleaned up and left with a big smile on his face. He then decided to save every bit of money he had and came in the next week with 50 bucks and said to the girl "what can i get with this?" She replied "third door on the right sir". The man rushed to the door eager to see what awaited him in the room. When he entered, he saw a stool with a chicken before him. He quickly returned to the front desk with a confused look on his face and said "uhh there's just a chicken in there!" She stared blanky at him and said "yes sir, what's the problem?" The man, not wanting to waste money, said "fuck it" and decided to give it a shot. He returned to the room, dropped his pants, grabbed the chicken firmly, and drove his member right up its ass. The chicken clucked loudly and shook furiously, but the guy kept pumping till he finally came. The floor of the room had feathers scattered about it and a molested chicken rolled up in a ball when the man left the room.

The man left the brothel and thought "well that wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, i'll get more money next week". Sure enough, the man entered the brothel the very next week with $100 and asked the girl his usual question. She replied "upstairs, second door on the right". The man thanked the girl and rushed upstairs due to his heavy erection. He entered the room with his hopes up, but when he saw 2 guys' asses staring him in the face he thought "fuck this, no way!" As he turned to exit the room, he saw that the 2 guys weren't in an ass-fuck position, they were actually looking down a hole. Filled with curiousity, the man joined the other 2 men and looked down the hole with them. The view was of the room below on ground floor. The man was surprised to see 3 naked girls playing with each other on a bed, and then going down on each other until they finished up fisting each other, each girl screaming with pleasure.

The man was completely aroused by what he saw and he said to the other 2 men as he left the room "shit, that was the best hundred bucks i ever spent!" One of the other men replied "that's nothing man, you should have been in here last week...some guy fucked a chicken!!"

Feeding Shark

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The Halloween Costume

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

Fedex vs UPS

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Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been
taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people
and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to
be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every
scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Fast Grow

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The Tattoo

A man entered a tattoo parlor and wanted to get a tattoo.

"What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man replied, "I want to get a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis."

"I've never had that requested before. Do you mind if I ask why?"

"Well, I really like to watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!" .