Exit Way

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Fore!

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. "Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best." But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green." The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..." "No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six."

Fake Breast Milk

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star trek

what do the star ship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

they both travel around uranus searching for klingons

Dog Meal

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new preacher

A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,
she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,
after church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.
and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times.

Diaper Punk

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Genie golfing

One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes." "ok" she agreed. She picked him up and he said" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more" "alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless" "Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!" "ok" She became beautiful."For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars" "Ok remember about your husband!" "I dont mind" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. "ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack" "Ok but your husband will get 20 times..."

Cyberdaters

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Puppies

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were sitting in the OB/GYN's office and the brunette and the redhead were discussing whether they were having boys or girls.

The redhead said that she was on top and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a boy.

The blonde, listening, began to cry.

The brunette said that she was on the bottom and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a girl.

The blonde then began crying in earnest.

The brunette and redhead rushed over and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde said, "Red is having a boy, you are having a girl and I have just figured out that I am having puppies!!!!!!!!!!"

Cart Baby

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kfc

SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN

Buldozer My House

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Supplies

a chinese guy,a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place.the boss comes out and says,"i'm leaving for awile,and when i get back i want to see this place swept,and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five diffrent piles." so he tells the white guy,"you are in charge of sweeping." he tells the black guy,"your in charge of shoveling." and finally he tells the cinese guy,"your in charge of the supplies." he leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done.
so he asked the white guy,"why didn't you do anything?" he replies,"i would have but the chinese guy didn't give me a broom." so he askes the black guy,"why haven't you done anything?" he also replies,"the chinese guy didn't give me a shovel." so he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn't find him. finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out and said,"supplies!"

Blaster Sound

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Olympics condom

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.

Adventure Monkey

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fishy

did u hear bout the fight near the chippy last night?
(no)
well, the fish got battered!!

Worst Job In The World 5

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laughter

why was the washing machine laughing?
it was taking the piss out the knickers!!

Worst Job In The World 4

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dog on a rope

what do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a spin!

Worst Job In The World 3

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Kleenex

How do you make a kleenex dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

Worst Job In The World 2

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FLY FISHING

THERE WAS THIS FLY THAT WAS HOVERING OVER A LAKE, A FISH SEEN THIS FLY AND SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES I COULD GET THAT FLY"
IN THE WOODS NEARBY A BEAR SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE
INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, AND I COULD GET THAT FISH"
IN THE SAME WOODS THERE WAS A HUNTER
SITTING ON A LOG EATING HIS SANDWICH, AND HE SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES, THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, AND I COULD GET THAT BEAR"
PEEKING FROM BEHIND A TREE WAS THIS MOUSE, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE MOUSE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COUD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, AND I COULD GET THAT SANDWICH"
SNEAKING UP THRU THE GRASS WAS A CAT, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE CAT SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, THAT MOUSE COULD GET THE SANDWICH, AND I COULD GET THAT MOUSE"
ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT FLY DROPPED 6 INCHES AND "BAM" EVERYTHING HAPPENED AT ONCE, JUST AS PLANNED, EXCEPT WHEN THE CAT WENT TO POUNCE ON THE MOUSE IT WAS RUNNING SO FAST THAT IT OVER SHOT THE LOG, AND WOULD UP IN THE LAKE.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: ?

EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET.

Worst Job In The World 1

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you cant have any

There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother "The chores are done I want some breakfast". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, "What about the milk?", and the mother replied "You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass". The little boy said, "Well how about some bacon?" the mother replied, "You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass". The little boy said "Can I at least have an egg?" The mother replied, "No, you kicked the chicken in the ass". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother "Do you want to tell him or should I?"