Deer Doing It

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Deductive Reasoning

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.
Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Man: That's right.

Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Man: Right again.

Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.

Man: Correct.

Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Man: Yup.

Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.

Man: Cool.

.....Later that same day...

Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?

Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?

Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Man: Faggot.

Deaf Child

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What is this?

Two guys were walkin' down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin' pile o' somethin' on the ground.

First dude: "Hey, I wonder what this is"
Second dude: "It's smelly and awful"
1st: "It's brown and nasty"
2nd: "Why don't you taste it?"

So the first dude sticked his finger in it, tasted it, and made a face.

1st: "Argh...I think it's dog poop"
2nd: "Well, at least we didn't step in it"

Car Hit Victim

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A Day Off of Work

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Bathroom Toll

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Possible

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

Axed Car

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny...At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses "

Arabian Sand

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Small Head

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3 wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said "Well, how about a little head then?"