Mama Im Scared

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Son Of A?

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,

"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".

Poorman Bike

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The Bear and the Rabbit

There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes"
They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

Network Toilet

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Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Missing Dog Head

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Italian Vacation

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

Little Fish

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Arkansaw Drivers License Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bubba

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Janitor [_] Still Operator
[_] Un-employed

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ____________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Mother
[_] Cousin
[_] Daughter
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mama's Name: ____________________
Daddy's Name: ____________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
[_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen
[_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff
[_] Cannon Ball

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know