Bentley Penis

==========
Gone Golfing

a man goes on a trip to japan on business. inbetween sessions, he goes to play golf. he ends up having the worst day of his life. all double bogeys. a fellow golfer tells him the best way to correct this is to go get laid, so he will relax. he goes to the local, and goes at it. the lady spends the entire evening screaming, naha sari! over and over. the man then triumphantly returns, and at the first hole, he hits a hole in one! thinking of the night before , he smiles, and yells, naha sari! the man golfing with him looks and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

One Pack

==========
No arms

One hot day on a beautiful beach, a good looking male is going for his usual jog along the shore. But, on this day he stops and notices something new in his travels . A woman, is crying her eyes out. And he could understand why, the poor lady had no arms and legs , and was sitting in a lawn chair. He feels bad for her and stops his jog to see what could possibly be wrong with her and if he could help. He asks , " Are you alright? I saw you crying and I couldn't help but stop and ask you if your okay and if I could help." She says , "Well, Seeing as how I have no arms or legs, everyone is afraid of me, and I've never been hugged before, so Can you hug me?" He says , "Sure, why not." SO the handsome stud hugs her. She stops crying, and he bids her goodbye and continues his run. The next day he goes for his run again. Yet once again, he see's the same woman with no arms and no legs sobbing to no end. Out of pity he stops his run and goes up to her . HE says , "Ma'am I couldn't help but notice you were crying again, is there anything I can do to help you?" She says , "Well,seeing as how I have no arm's and legs, everyone is afraid of me, so If you wouldn't mind , could you kiss me, I've never been kissed before." He says , "Sure, why not?" as soon as he kisses her,he bids her goodbye and moves on with his run. The next day he goes for his run as usual, and notices the same lady with no arms and no legs, lying in her lawn chair crying again. Now he's starting to get really aggrivated, and frankly he's not in the mood to deal with any of the hassle today. But, out of pity he stops his run and goes up to her yet once again and says , " What's wrong? I'm really willing to help you out, if you would just stop crying, so tell me." so she says , " well, seeing as how I have no arms and legs, everyone is afraid of me, and I've always wanted to get fucked, so will you fuck me?" an expression crossed his face that no words could describe, so she whipes the tears of her face , he pickes her up and throws her in the water , " Now your fucked."

Beach Way

==========
Tool Murders

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."

"Damn tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.

To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Life Insurance 2

==========
JLo's behind

Did you know Jennifer Lopez use to eat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?

It's all BEHIND her now!

Life Insurance 1

==========
Know Your State Motto

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It,
Yet ! !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense, From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A Stinkin' Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin' Motto
Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To an attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State IS THAT 'WRITE', CUZIN PAUL ??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!