Growing Keyboard

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Happy 100th Birhtday Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Knocking Game

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Parrot Sex

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Kissing Door

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The 13 Biggest Lies

13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

Japanese Ice Cream

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CEO Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Japanese Doritos

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Sausages

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived
in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt
to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home
with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
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What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!