Hot Dog Sleep

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Last Years Present

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Ghost Rider Mailbox

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Life's Bell Curve

At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants

At age 10 success is having friends

At age 16 success is having your driver's license

At age 20 success is having sex

At age 35 success is having money

At age 50 success is having money

At age 65 success is having sex

At age 70 success is having your driver's license

At age 75 success is having friends

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

Geek Saved

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Radio Show

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

Gamer Crypt

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Cannibal Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Funny Affair

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Funny Funeral Thoughts

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."