FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes: Jun 5, 2007

Safety Car

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Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour,
how many radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter
is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be
the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to
avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles
that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that
has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Safety First

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BOOM!

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes
up to the clerk and says, "Last night me fuckem squaw, left nut
go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed
some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and
tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right
up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuckem squaw, left
nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super
ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets
a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This
is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted
and should only be used in extreme circumstances."

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special
condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm.
He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must
not have worked and he's really pissed."

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuckem squaw!! Left
nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left
nut go 'BOOM'!"

Rotti Express

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Documentary

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to
why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply
was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

This brave had two feathers in his headdress and he replied:
Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual
partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say
amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers
in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me fuck'em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me
fuck'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

Rock Hard Whale

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Dont step on a duck

Three guys get to heaven,Bob, Larry and Bill, and before they enter St. Peter warns them "whatever you do don't ever, ever, step on a duck. Once one quacks, they all do, and they make a terrible racket". Bob enters heaven and immediately steps on a duck. So an angel comes up to him and chains a large hairy ugly woman to him for eternity, and says " I told you not to step on a duck". The next week Larry steps on a duck. An angel comes to him and chains a very ugly woman to him for eternity and says "I told you not to step on a duck". Bill hadn't stepped on a duck since he had gotten into heaven, then one day an angel comes up to him and chains a beutiful supermodel to him. He asked her why she was there and she turned to him and said, " I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."