Window Train

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Molested

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."

Wheel Tank

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Crazy

There's a traveling salesman driving one night in a horrible storm. His car breaks
down and he's out in the country. He walks to a house that didn't have any lights
on so he peaked in the window.

All of a sudden the woman wakes up and grabs her tit in one hand and the alarm
clock in the other and starts shaking them . A few seconds later her husband wakes
up and starts jacking off and pouring water on his head.

The salesman thought these people were crazy so he decided to find another house
to ask for help. When he arrived at the neighbors house, the salesman said "I'm sorry
to bother you, but I'm a traveling salesman, it's pouring down rain and my car broke
down. I stopped at your neighbors house but those people are crazy!"

" What do you mean?" the neighbor asked.

The salesman explained that he had peaked in the window and saw the woman wake
up, grab her tit in one hand and the alarm clock in the other and started shaking them,
and then her husband woke up and started jacking off and pouring water on his head.
"Those people are crazy!".

"No", the neighbor said, "they are both deaf and dumb."

"What do you mean?" the salesman asked.

The neighbor said, "She was telling her husband "get up it's time to milk the cows".
Her husband replied, "Fuck you, it's raining!"

Train Car

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Circle Flies

It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around his head, annoying him considerably.

"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.

"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"

"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."

The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well, that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law, would you?"

"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.

"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?"

Tractor Home

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Red Shirt

There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out "Cap'! 10 ships approching!" The Captain replied "Get me my red shirt!" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.

Later, a sailor called "Cap'! 20 ships!" "Get me my red shirt!" They did, and they won after he wore it

Later, 50 ships attacked, they got thier captain his red shirt, and they won

Then one day a sailor asked "Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?" "If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me" said the captain

Later...
Sailor: "Captain! 220000 ships!"
Captain: "What!? Get me my brown pants!"

Toll Free

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A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."