Extra Seat

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A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Eiffel Tower View

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Boyfriend Gone Wrong

This guy has been dating a girl for 4 months now.
She calls him up one day and tells him: "Paul you have to meet my parents. We have been going out for like 4 months". He agrees... The day he agrees to meet her family,he is having some MAJOR gas! The whole drive to her parents house he is letting off some bombs, and he's thinking to himself: PLEASE let this gas go away.
He gets to her parents house, she walks him into the living area. "Daddy,this is Paul".. they shake hands. "Mom,this is Paul". They hug. The mother and the girlfriend go get dinner ready. Paul and the father are sitting on the couch having conversation. He soooo cant pay any attention to really what the father is saying cause he has some MAJOR gas. He thinks to himself: I'm gonna let out just a tiny one.
So he does, he didnt smell nothing and their dog is at his feet, so he figures the father will think it is the dog. The father didnt look at him any different. He thought OH COOL MAN, maybe i get rid of my stomach ache. So time passes and Paul has been letting out some silent "little friends". The whole time that he has been letting go of some gas he was petting the dog to get it to stay at his feet, so the father will think its the dog stinkin'. So he lets out this one which burns his ass.
The father looked up with this weird look on his face and say "JAKE Boy, you better move before that kid shits on you".

Airbus Duck

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The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Drinking and Driving

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The Parrot

There was this man who had his reasons to think that his wife was having an affair. One day he decided to get a talking parrot to spy on his wife to see what he suspected was true. He had come to a local pet store and asked if they had any parrots which could talk, the man behind the counter said yes but there was one problem, we have this parrot but he has no legs and only balances on his penis..
The man was very desparate and said that he will take the bird no matter what problem it had.
So the man took the parrot home and explained to him that he needed it to tell him everything that his wife did when he was away from the house.
So the first few days the parrot reported that nothing had happened when he was away, then one day the parrot suddenly reported that something had happened.
The man was very excited and asked the bird to explain everything.
The parrot said that his wife had come in to the house with a stranger, the man asked what had happened next, the parrot said the stranger and your wife began to kiss and caress eachother, the man asked what had happened next, the bird replied well the stranger undressed you wife, the man said to the parrot go on what happened next
and the parrot said i dont know, i got a stiff and fell off the bar

Dragon Road

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Little Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."