Little Pricks

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The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook

Lift Off

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Two Statues

Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies. One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes. The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says "should we" the man replies "Yes". They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on. The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to. After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces. The angel says to them "You still have fifteen minutes left" So the man says to the woman "want to do it again?" the woman replies "Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it."

Life Too Short 3

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Right up your...

There was a black man, a white man, and a chinese man. They were wondering in the middle of nowhere trying to find a place to sleep. The black man looked at the white man and said, "It's your fault we ain't got no place to stay." The white man says, "How?" "Because you bought a 2002 mustang for your son," said the black man. The white man replied, "Well you spent our savings on 100 cases of fried chicken and kool-aid!" The chinese man didn't say a word, he only pointed. Then they all looked and saw that there was a farm with a small white house. They hurried up to the door and knocked generously. Just then a huge man steps out of the door. "What do you want," he said. They all asked the farmer could he spare them a warm place to stay for the night. The farmer said that it was okay just as long as they didn't steal any food from his crops. He let them sleep in the barn with the animals. After the farmer left the barn the black man shot up and said, "C'mon yall lets try to find something to eat." "We'd better not," said the chinese man. "The white man said, "Why not? He won't notice a few apples or potatoes missing." It made sense to them so they quietly went out into the fields and began to pick everything in sight. What they hadn't planned on was the farmer being there. (Click, Click)The farmer pointed his shotgun at the three men. He said he ought to shoot them for disobeying him after he gave them a place to sleep. "Instead of shooting you, being that you're hungry and all, I'll let each of you pick out your favorite fruit and come back with it," said the farmer. The three men were excited. First the white man came back with some grapes. Secondly the black man came back with some oranges. The farmer said, "Okay, white man, I want you to take those grapes and shove them up your a**!" The white shook his head but the farmer cocked his shotgun again. He did as he was told. Next, the black man's face was turning white. "You know what to do," said the farmer. The black man had to follow through. He screamed during the whole process. He said, "Is there a draft in here? I ain't got no butt crack, I got a butt canyon." Then the farmer said, "Where's that chinese fellow?" The two men looked at each other and fell out laughing. The farmer said, "What are you laughing at?" "The black man said, "The chinese man is in the watermelon patch!"

Life Too Short 2

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The Worst Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

Life Too Short 1

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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again...
* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!