Sled Lady

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How Do You Feel?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."

Rotten Motorcycle

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Cowboys

One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."

Owned Walker

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The Moral Of The Story

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.

The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Nose Plane

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WW3

George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them.
"What are you guys talking about?" he says to them.
"Well," Bush respones "We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with big tits.
"Why would you kill a blonde with big tits?" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says "See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!"

Nonstop Action

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Get Along

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes