Through Bus

==========
Joys Of A Long Neck

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

Went To Istanbul

==========
Annoy Your Stallmate

-Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

-Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

-Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

-Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

-Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

-Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

-Say, "Now how did that get there?"

-Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
-Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

-Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

-Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

-Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

-Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

-Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

-Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

-Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

-Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

-Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Water Bridge Way

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50 Fun Things In The Elevator

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14.One word: Flatulence!

15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16.Do Tai Chi exercises.

17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20.Meow occasionally.

21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29.Leave a box between the doors.

30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32.Start a sing-along.

33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34.Play the accordion.

35.Shadow box.

36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37.Lean against the button panel.

38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41.Bring a chair along.

42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43.Blow spit bubbles.

44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH !!"

Stack Living

==========
Say What You Mean

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?"
Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"

Small Charming

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You know you're from Canada when...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Printable Version

Skull Cap

==========
Elderly Ride

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Punk Race

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Confucious Says

Chinese Wisdom, translated:-)
Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.�
Man who run behind car get exhausted.�
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.�
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.�
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.�
Man with one chopstick go hungry.�
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.�
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.�
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.�
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.�
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.�
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.�
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.�
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.�

Poor Child

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Luck

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.

One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What Dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

Monkey Cleaner

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One Good Reason

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

Leaned Car

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Wall Of Clocks

Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.

When she got there, there was an angel there.

Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.

Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said "Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.

So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said "Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times."

"Where's Mother Teresa's?" Mary asked "Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved."

"So where's Bill Clinton's clock?" Mary questioned. "Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!"

Lazy Line Drawers

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Top 10 Drugged Cartoons

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it, her personality? NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? -- Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.

1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode smokes pot, no if, ands, or, buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

Horse Taxi

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Pissed Roomie

Try these out on your unsuspecting roomie:

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and
grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is
for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring
you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn
it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find
the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before
you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).

36. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so.
Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why . . . ?" Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your
roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while
twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures
class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's email.

53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.

54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.

56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.

57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit
your roommate when he or she isn't home, show them the magazines.

58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were
knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for
a month.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing,
grab a towel, and go shower too.

62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and
take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the
mail to him/her by UPS.

63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
floor.

64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night,
act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in
your dorm, blame your roommate.

65. Call your RA or CA whenever your roommate turns up his/her
music.

66. Follow him/her around on weekends.

67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
him/her.

72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour.
Don't say anything, just stare.

73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was
really important but you can't remember who it was.

74. Let mice loose in his/her room.

75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

77. Skip to the bathroom.

78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard
the fort for an entire weekend.

79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a
pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful
foliage.

80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them
on when you leave.

81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where
he/she can find them.

82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk.
Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to
bed.

84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say
Jesus or God Dammit.

85. Burn incense.

86. Eat moths.

87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that one died. Name another one after your
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they
all die.

88. Collect Chia-Pets.

89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you
got sick.

91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out
of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never
anything to eat.

95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate
isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.

96. Don't ever flush.

97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever
you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.

100. Dress in drag.

101. Be on the phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in Philly.

102. Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't
smell.

103. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your
roommate you feel it should be more socially acceptable and you
are doing your part.

104. Try not washing. For a semester.

105. Spend a lot of time high.

106. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

107. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."

108. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

109. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and
pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe
out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are
drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

110. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."

111. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

112. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that
you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in
about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not
a hard man to find.

113. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

114. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

115. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist . . . "

116. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."

117. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans."
Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

118. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

119. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.

120. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.

121. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

122. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."

123. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

124. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in
the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love
the paintings.

125. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

126. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

127. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "rare gases." Look at them often. One day,
act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having
released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out
of the room.

128. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

129. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize,
and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

130. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

131. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

132. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."

133. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."

134. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

135. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

136. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor
and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing
about them.

137. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at
your roommate every morning.

138. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

139. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave
and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk
in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here
again."

140. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

141. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again.
Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.

142. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as
soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible
nightmares.

143. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons
and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything
more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

144. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.

145. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that
you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

146. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that
no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

147. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where
the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then
go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.

148. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

149. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the
straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

150. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the
plant ever again.

151. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

152. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

153. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon . . . "

154. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes
back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore
your roommate.

155. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."

156. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on
the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little . . . "

157. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you
don't know how they got there.

158. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.

159. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to
your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to
your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

160. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of
your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."

161. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of
the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."

162. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember
what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!"
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

163. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people
in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants
to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

164. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.

165. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

166. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate
that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots
of bacon.

167. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that
you are hungry.

168. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

169. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an
hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the window again.

170. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."

171. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it
to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

172. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If
your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get
your roommate to bring you food and water.

173. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it
with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"

174. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
you normally would.

175. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited,
telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

176. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

177. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every
so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until
you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that any more, Murray."

178. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are
sleeping.

179. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.

180. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your
thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a
few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

181. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

182. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the
lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell,
"Okay, guys, you can come out now."

183. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells
you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A
king?"

184. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing,
doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a
lot faster with two players."

185. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

Fluffy Cart

==========
Newlyweds

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.

After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- " "Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

Flipper Jetsky

==========
US Navy

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.

Economy Class

==========
Italian, Frenchman and Redneck

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle de back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothin buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains.
She hits the freakin ceiling!"

Easy Target

==========
Only in Canada

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Drunk Drivers Reserved

==========
Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Deer Doing It

==========
Deductive Reasoning

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.
Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Man: That's right.

Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Man: Right again.

Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.

Man: Correct.

Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Man: Yup.

Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.

Man: Cool.

.....Later that same day...

Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?

Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?

Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Man: Faggot.

Deaf Child

==========
What is this?

Two guys were walkin' down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin' pile o' somethin' on the ground.

First dude: "Hey, I wonder what this is"
Second dude: "It's smelly and awful"
1st: "It's brown and nasty"
2nd: "Why don't you taste it?"

So the first dude sticked his finger in it, tasted it, and made a face.

1st: "Argh...I think it's dog poop"
2nd: "Well, at least we didn't step in it"

Car Hit Victim

==========
A Day Off of Work

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Bathroom Toll

==========
Possible

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

Axed Car

==========
Little Johnny

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny...At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses "

Arabian Sand

==========
Small Head

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3 wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said "Well, how about a little head then?"

Hot Dog Sleep

==========
Last Years Present

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Ghost Rider Mailbox

==========
Life's Bell Curve

At age 5 success is not peeing in your pants

At age 10 success is having friends

At age 16 success is having your driver's license

At age 20 success is having sex

At age 35 success is having money

At age 50 success is having money

At age 65 success is having sex

At age 70 success is having your driver's license

At age 75 success is having friends

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

Geek Saved

==========
Radio Show

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

Gamer Crypt

==========
Cannibal Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Funny Affair

==========
Funny Funeral Thoughts

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Growing Keyboard

==========
Happy 100th Birhtday Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Knocking Game

==========
Parrot Sex

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Kissing Door

==========
The 13 Biggest Lies

13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

Japanese Ice Cream

==========
CEO Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Japanese Doritos

==========
Sausages

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived
in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt
to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home
with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll the page down)








What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!

Plane Smile

==========
The Fairy On The Christmas Tree

Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.

That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.

The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.

Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.

What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!

He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.

At that moment there was a knock at the front door.

Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?"

And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.

Pink BDSM

==========
The Dumb Brother

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleep
for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer
pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in
and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Pierced BasketBall Ring

==========
Nobody Job


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Parking Think

==========
3 Men

3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.

"It's your lucky day!" said the genie. "Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it."

The first man jumped and said "Budweiser!" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.

The second man jumped and said "Coke!" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.

The third man jumped and said...

"Weeeeeeeee!!"

Parking Gone Wrong

==========
Wine Bottles

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

Paralel Parking

==========
Who Reads the Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Own Drink

==========
Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

One Pack

==========
Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

Next Five Miles

==========
What Grandmothers Care About

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.

But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

Never Too Late

==========
Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Nazi Tree

==========
Too much Money

Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Karen.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks.

"Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.

Mozambique Warning

==========
Dr. Suess

Read each of the following lines out loud.



This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat





Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

Monkey Finger

==========
Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Million Passengers

==========
Only In America!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA