Turtle Butt Golf

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Explaining Life


On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...

life has now been explained.

Human Missile

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Grandpa Poem

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.


Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

Umbrella Dog

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Nursing Home

Howard is the senior senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day another member of the home named Annebel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Howard and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Howard "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Annebel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annebel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Annebel instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Howard just smiles and says "parkinsons".

Texas Toilet Paper

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A Last Request

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Underwater Biker

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Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

23. Earth is full. Go home.

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''

29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Shark Surfer

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The Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Mirror Image

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Perfect Employee

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Mad 3D Card

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Baseball In Heaven

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Fun Turkey

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Health Food

Subject....Health Food

With today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle, food and stress are very important to them.

We will look first at what food can be added to our diet that will help relieve stress.

The food in question, is chocolate. This overlooked food is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.

Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans with the bean known as a vegetable.

Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying all chocolate as a vegetable.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know, you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!

To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food.


so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............
(scroll down)














DESSERTS

Cemetary is Dead End

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God To Destroy The World

Disgusted by what he has seen on earth, God decides to destroy it and start over.
He orders one of His angels to appear at the offices of four of America's leading
newspapers, the Wall Street Journal, the SF Chronical, the Washington Post and
the New York Times, in order to give them the scoop that He intends to destroy
the world in 2 days time.

The next morning, the following headlines appear:

Wall Street Journal: GOD TO DESTROY THE WORLD TOMORROW!! MARKETS WILL CLOSE EARLY!

SF Chronicle: GOD TO END WORLD TOMORROW!! ANTI-RELIGIOUS PROTESTS PLANNED. ACLU TO SUE GOD!!

Washington Post: END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND, GOD SAYS!! SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 12-B.

New York Times: GOD VOWS DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!! WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MINORITIES TO BE HARDEST HIT!!

Leaving From Gas Station

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The Crow Story

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Dog Caring

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Use More...

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to
the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."

Ledge Car

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Health Inspection

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Cozy Swimming Pool

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A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

Complain Department

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Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"