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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Size Does Matter

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Viagra

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly. "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, Sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks "Do you think i could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "perhaps, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."

Six Pack

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Magic Lamp

This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. "Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?" "Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender. "Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar." So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. "Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks." The bartender looks at him and says..."I didn't want a 10' pianist either."

Singles Ad

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Duck and Bartender

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any
grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the
next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender
says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes
up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck.
We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we
definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for
grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck
leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks
"Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got
any grapes?"

Silicon Pillow

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The cat

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could
throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from
having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this
week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Shoot Me

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A Second Opinion

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Scared Kid

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10 Words

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.

Severe Body

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A no-brainer

What surgical operation would you suggest for someone who constantly "has their head up their arse"?

A lobottomy (lo-bottom-y).

Service Information

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Health Tips

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table
of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

Secure Server

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the duck and the crackers

A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the bar tender if he has any crackers??
The bartender says No.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers,"
The next day the same thing happens, with the same response from the bartender.
On the 4th day the duck came in and asked the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers and if you ask again i will nail your beak to the floor!!"
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks if the bartender has any nails.
the bartender says No.
The duck says "Good, do you have any crackers!?!?!"

Sea Dog

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Not cool anymore!

You find yourself listening to talk radio.


You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.


The pattern on your shorts and couch match.


You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.


You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.


You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.


You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.


You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.


When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.


When jogging is something you do to your memory.


Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.


All the cars behind you flash their headlights.


You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.


You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.


You actually ASK for your father's advice.


You don't know how to operate a fax machine.


When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tank Car

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Fucked Duck

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel around trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.

The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.

"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The woman replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a fuck for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".

After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".

So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.

The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.

That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.

The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".

The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".

Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".

Takapiru

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Brain Teaser

A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.
The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

Strong Teeth

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Raggedy Ann

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box???

Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!"

Stressed Cat

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Dopey & The Pope

the 7 dwarves were invited to an audience with the pope.off they all trooped to the vatican.the pope greeted them and the dwarves pushed dopey to the frontand said "go on dopey,ask him the question".dopey asked the pope "do they have any nuns in Alaska",the pope answered"of course dopey there are nuns in every state in america".the dwarves pushed dopey forward again ask him the other one.dopey says "do they have any black nuns in alaska",the pope thought about it and said"I suppose ther has to be in these racial equality times so yes.the dwarves pushed dopey forward again saying "dont forget the last question",dopey says "do they have any dwarf black nuns in alaska,the pope replied "now come on dopey now you are
taking the piss,NO NO NO" so the dwarves all chanted as one "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN-- DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN.

Star Trike

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Penguin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream, I swear!!!"

Smile Please

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your so poor

your family is so poor that when i went 2 your house i stepped on a ciggarette butt and yo moma said "hey, who turned off the heating?"

Standing Motorcycle

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Seasons Greetings

Moneys short times are hard so here's your fuckin christmas card.
Twas the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whore house dad smokin grass i just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn i heard such a clatter i arose from my piece to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn i saw a big dick i knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell i knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzles and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.
As he drove out of sight he said piss on you all and have a hell of a night!!

Spermies Candy

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How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Sniper Cat

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Superman & Wonderwoman

Superman is flying around Metropolis horny as hell. He spots wonder-woman on the roof of a building butt-naked taking a sun tan. He says"I have to fly down here get me some wonder pussy." So he flies down quickly and fucks her so fast and flies off. She gets up and says"what the fuck was that" and the invisible man says"I don't know but my ass is killing me."

Sleep Stand

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The Parrot and the Magician

There was this Magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience. After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Tree Huggers

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Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!".

Tricycle Bike

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Car Accident

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"

Tractor Mailbox

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Who is it

There is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.

Who is driving ???

---- Police officer

Toilet Tree

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Surprise for Santa

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay."

And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."

And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."

And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Thumb Up

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The Gorilla

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof, the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.".

Three Points

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You Are The Winner

One day long ago. There was a king who gathered all the people of the land. He said if anyone could swim across the lake (with crocodiles) would have their choice of : a castle, money, or his daughters hand in marriage.
One man jumped up and yelled "I can do it!" He tried and failed. Another man said "I can do better than that." So he jumped in and didn't make it either. Next the crowd heard a splash. A man swam all the way across the lake. The king asked him "Which one would you like? A castle, money, or my daughters' hand in marriage." The man replied "I want the sorry son-of-a-bitch that pushed me in!"

Thread Sleep

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A Holy Bad Day

Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says," I'm going to show you something that you never seen before." So he pulls out his thing and says,"this is my tool of giving life." So the nun says,"really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here.

Thief Trap

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College Finals

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

The Danger of Masturbation

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Four Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

Teddy cuddle

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Duck Hunt

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck.".

Monday, May 28, 2007

Wedding Day

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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.".

Water Pistols Maniac

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Fresh From Jail

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".

Washing Machine

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Stephen Wright Jokes

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'

I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.

Was Not a Chicken

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epheopians

How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?
PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THERE
How do you get em out?
RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER

Vampire Toothbrush

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Lesbian Dinosaur

What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?

A Lickalottapus

Typical Summer Activities

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Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?".

Umbrella Formula

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Pinochio

Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?
A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"

Used Pants

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Three legged dog

A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".

UFO Bra

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The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me cum and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Trike Snow

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Guy in a bar

A guy goes into a bar and says "Bartender give me ten shots of tequila." Bartender says "Ok". So he lines them up side by side on the counter. The guy drinks them up really quick. The bartender says "Man you must be having a really good day today!" The guy says "Yeah, I just got my first blowjob today." The bartender says "Well, let me buy you the eleventh one on the house." The guy says "No, if ten can't get the taste out of my mouth eleven ain't gonna do it."

Which Way

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Mama Knows Best!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

World Cup Head

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Hey...Can Ya Give Me A Push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Wooden Stick

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Afgani

Why don't afganistan's people teach sex ed, and drivers ed, on separate days?

answer: the camels can't take it all in one day.

Wheel Eyes

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Happy Birthday To Me!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Wooden Bike

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The Spoon!

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

Woman Wishes

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three texans

There were these three texans and they were gonna go to mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the gaurds what they are in for. The gaurd says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The gaurd asks if he has any last words. The guy says " I'm from Baylor University and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He says " I'm from texas Tech and I beleive in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy is brought in and he says " I'm a Texas Aggee eeletrical eengineer and I tell you you'll never eelectrocute noone if you don't connect those two wires."

Woman Soccer

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hunchback of notre dame

The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. "but you've got no arms!" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth.
So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.
"who's that guy?" one person says.
"I dunmno, but his face rings a bell!!"

Wife Cuddle

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Clinton and the Pope

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed." Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.".

Wheel Camera

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Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!".

Whale Pack

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Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.