Parking Think

==========
3 Men

3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.

"It's your lucky day!" said the genie. "Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it."

The first man jumped and said "Budweiser!" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.

The second man jumped and said "Coke!" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.

The third man jumped and said...

"Weeeeeeeee!!"

Parking Gone Wrong

==========
Wine Bottles

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

Paralel Parking

==========
Who Reads the Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Own Drink

==========
Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

One Pack

==========
Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

Next Five Miles

==========
What Grandmothers Care About

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.

But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

Never Too Late

==========
Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Nazi Tree

==========
Too much Money

Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Karen.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks.

"Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.

Mozambique Warning

==========
Dr. Suess

Read each of the following lines out loud.



This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat





Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

Monkey Finger

==========
Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Million Passengers

==========
Only In America!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA

Mercedes Logo

==========
A Fishy tale

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".....................
.........."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

Make Up Steer

==========
Horse and Chicken

One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see.

The horse says to the chicken, "Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do." So, the chicken runs off.

About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, "I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out." So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole.

About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, "Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do."

But the horse walks around the hole and says, "I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out." And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole.

This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again.

Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!

Locked Bike

==========
Pickup Lines That Don't Work

There are many different pickup lines:
1. Hi, i lost my phone number, can i borrow yours?
2. Hi im new in town, can you give me directions to your house?
3. Hi im a matress sampler, can i test yours?
4. Hi, do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk by again?
5. Hi im a great person. want to screw?
6. Hi, im a game show host. if you're good in bed i have to give you $10,000.
7. Hi, im a doctor, need a physical?
8. Hi, i lost my virginity, can you help me find it?
9. can i call the police? you've stolen my heart.
10. (grabbing victims' body part) HELP! I CANT SEE ANYTHING!!
11. You theif! You've stolen my heart and you wont give it back.
12. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
(for women to mem)13. I'm so funny, i'll make you laugh LONG and HARD!
14. I'm so big you wont know what went into you.
15. Wanna go out back? I have something to show you.

Light Car

==========
Twins Tragedy

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.