Million Passengers

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Only In America!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA

Mercedes Logo

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A Fishy tale

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".....................
.........."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

Make Up Steer

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Horse and Chicken

One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see.

The horse says to the chicken, "Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do." So, the chicken runs off.

About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, "I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out." So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole.

About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, "Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do."

But the horse walks around the hole and says, "I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out." And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole.

This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again.

Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!

Locked Bike

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Pickup Lines That Don't Work

There are many different pickup lines:
1. Hi, i lost my phone number, can i borrow yours?
2. Hi im new in town, can you give me directions to your house?
3. Hi im a matress sampler, can i test yours?
4. Hi, do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk by again?
5. Hi im a great person. want to screw?
6. Hi, im a game show host. if you're good in bed i have to give you $10,000.
7. Hi, im a doctor, need a physical?
8. Hi, i lost my virginity, can you help me find it?
9. can i call the police? you've stolen my heart.
10. (grabbing victims' body part) HELP! I CANT SEE ANYTHING!!
11. You theif! You've stolen my heart and you wont give it back.
12. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
(for women to mem)13. I'm so funny, i'll make you laugh LONG and HARD!
14. I'm so big you wont know what went into you.
15. Wanna go out back? I have something to show you.

Light Car

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Twins Tragedy

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.

Leaping Car

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Bad Doctor!

A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says "You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one." So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in.
Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. "Damn!" the guy screams, "What? Did I hurt you?" his wife replies. "No," said the man "But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!"

Laptop Booth

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Things Not To Say

Things not to say to a naked woman
1. Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
2. How many storage boxes can you fit in there?
3. You must be very experienced.
4. Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
5. Wait let me get a board and a rope so I don’t fall in.
6. I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t want to lose it
7. Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt?
8. Would you mind rolling around in this flour?
9. I heard carpenters dream about you.
10. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
11. Look…I can get my whole arm in.
12. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents
13. Is that an optical illusion?
14. If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in
15. Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
16. Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
17. Jeez…what ya got up there dead fish?
18. I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
19. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
20. I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
21. Maybe if I get really wasted I won’t mind your body.
22. You know they have surgery to fix that.
23. Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
24. Oh, that’s why they call it the wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
25. Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
26. I expect a good time; at least, the bathroom wall said so.
27. You’re not as ugly, as people claim, not quite anyway.
28. You’re not that fat.
29. I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
30. Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

Kilt Peep

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Polish Construction Worker

Three construction workers were down town working on a high-rise. A black guy, a Mexican, and a Polish guy.

Come lunch time, the three sit down together on a beam and open their lunchboxes. The black guy opens his box and finds chicken wings and grits. "Man, I hate this crap. I've been eating this stuff since I was a kid."
The Mexican opens his box and finds burritos and rice. "Me too man. I've had to eat this shit since I was little too."
The Polish guy opens his box and finds a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. I've been eating this stuff for way too long."

A week later, the three workers were up on the 30th floor. Come lucnch time, the three sit down together on the beam and open thier lunchboxes. The black guy opens his, and sure enough, chicken wings and grits. "Son of a bitch. I swear, if I get this crap one more time, I'm jumping."
The Mexican opens his box, and there it is, burritos and rice. "Me too man. I'm sick of this crap. If I get this crap again, I'm jumping too."
The Polish guy opens his box, and sure enough, a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. If I get another one of these damn sandwiches, I'm jumping with you two."

A week passes, and the three are working on the 50th floor. Lunch time comes, and the three sit down together. The black guy opens his box, sees the chicken wings and grits. Standing up, he says goodbye to his friends and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his box, and sure enough, burritos and rice. Saying goodbye to his friend, he too, jumps to his death.
The Polish guy opens his box, sees the PB&J sandwich, and jumps to his death as well.
A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers were standing around and condoling each other. "I just don't get." the black guy's wife said. "He never told me he didn't like chicken wings or grits."
"I know," the Mexican's wife said. "He never told me about the burritos or rice. I would have gladly made him something else."
As the two talked, they noticed that the Polish guy's wife was still crying her eyes out. "There, there, dear. It'll be alright." they said to her.
"I-I just don't understand it," she cried. "I mean, each day he made his own damn lunch."

Keep Right

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Too Many Questions

This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser.
He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, "Don't worry about it."
He then says, "Well is that your husband?"
She says that it is not.
"Well, is that your boyfriend?"
Again she says no.
The guy then says, "Well then, who the hell is it?"
She replies, "It was me before my operation."

Jumping Truck

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Safety Competition

A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "what are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked.

"i guess i"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered.

"don't listen to him," said the woman in the passanger seat. "he's a smart alect when he is drunk."

This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, "are we over the border yet?"

It's A Woman

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Don't Lie

After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.

As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go.

After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.

As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says "and where were you", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says "let me see your hands" He put out his hands and she says "DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING"

Insured By Mafia

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Bust Exercise

A man sees a woman joging down the street while throwing back her arms, pushing her chest out and repeating "I must, I must, increase my bust. Totally puzzled by this the man stops her.

MAN: Why are you doing that.

WOMAN: My doctor told me that doing this exercise and repeating I MUST, I MUST, INCREASE MY BUST, would help me get bigger boobs.

MAN: It's wasn't doctor Simpson by any chance was it.

WOMAN: Yes, but how did you know that.

MAN: Oh well, I've been to him too.

WOMAN: Really, what for.

MAN: Hickory dickory dock ....

Ice 3D

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State Mottos

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
(this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a
motto?)

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
For Sale

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio:
Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma:
Like the Play...Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?

Hydran Parking

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Five Funny Insults

Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back?

last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana.

I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception

Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap

Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you

Hundred Passengers

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Good And Bad News

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.