Metal Baby

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Just Like Home

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Water Meron

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Playing Golf

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Me Has Arm

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Heart Attack

A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."

This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."

Mc Dog

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Crazy Bus-Ride

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.

John; "What was that?"

Driver; "It was a cat"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"

John; "Oh, fair enough"

A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.

John; "What was that!!?"

Driver; "It was a dog"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"

John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"

The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.

John; "What is it this time?"

Driver; "I hit an old lady"

John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?

Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."

John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."

The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:

"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"

The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"

Horse Pull Car

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God And Harley

Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

Hand Mailbox

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Scottish Grave

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

Aligator Mailbox

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Scottish Ticket Dodgers

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Fat Baby

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Scottish Car Crash

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

Cozy Train

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Retirement Notice

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Person Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ( Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel and Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not bee SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management as always pride itself for the amount of SHIT it gives to its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Career Obssesion

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Long History

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

Calm Down Key

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Tribal Punishment

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,
"What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:
"What will you take on your back?"

And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "

Brutal Marathon

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Little Johnny and Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Breaktrough Wall

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Alibi

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Sexy Auto

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Fire Truck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

Panda Rider

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Bright Pharmacist

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"