Handicap Parking

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Bumper Stickers

Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?

I are proud to be a college student

Conserve toilet paper...use both sides

Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin'

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

Keep honking...I'm reloading

Don't steal....the government hates competition

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!

Funny Shark

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Golden Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once."

Extreme Paralel Parking

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Ohh Crap

Three friends were backpacking through europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.

When they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.

After seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.

The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled "I want to be a hawk" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away. The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled "I want to be a a mountain goat" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away. The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling "ohh crrraaappp" SPLAT!

Dumb and Dumber

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Which Syndrome?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."

Chatting Fetus

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Three Doctors

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

Unplugged Mouse

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Ugly

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a quart of orange juice.

A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier.

He says to her..."you must be single."

The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt.

Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

Sleepy Hunter

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Soldier Ride

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Royal Flush Plumber

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Poison

With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."

"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."

In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol...
"everything is all right, just go to sleep."

"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"

"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...
"just let the poison do it's job."

Next Flasher

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Why Are You Leaving?

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase.

He says "Honey, what are you doing".

She says, "I'm leaving you, I want a divorce."

The husband says, "But why, what's wrong?"

The wife says, "I just found out that you are a pedophile"

The husband says, "Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old."

Jet Surfing

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I Am Canadian

In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The American thought - "That f*cking Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."

Turtle Butt Golf

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Explaining Life


On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking...
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey...
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh...
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man...
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for...
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...

life has now been explained.

Human Missile

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Grandpa Poem

Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,
This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red,
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife,
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.


Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,
And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!

Umbrella Dog

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Nursing Home

Howard is the senior senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day another member of the home named Annebel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Howard and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Howard "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Annebel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annebel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Annebel instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Howard just smiles and says "parkinsons".

Texas Toilet Paper

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A Last Request

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."

Underwater Biker

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Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

23. Earth is full. Go home.

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''

29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!