Never On Time

==========
Question #2

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

Jeep Bridge

==========
At The Pearly Gates

Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven.

The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in.

The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off.

He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says "what do these have to do with Christmas ?" the man sheepishly says "they're Carols?"

High Heel

==========
Good Fence

This guy goes into the local drug store to buy some comdoms. He goes up to the young girl behind the counter and asks her where they keep them. Well that depends on what size you are the yound lady replies.

Well I really don't know, I've never bought a box before. Well the girs says if you go out back you will find a fence just outside the door with three holes in it, a small, medium, and large hole. Just stick your penis in each hole and what ever hole fits best that's what size you are. O.K, I'll be right back.

Meanwhile the girl sneaks out back before the man gets there drops her pants and backs up to the small hole.

The man gets there, whips out his thing and pokes it in the small hole, takes it out and goes to the medium hole. Meanwhile the girls also backs up to the medium hole, then to the large hole at the same time the man tries out each size.

After the man finishes, he zips up and returns to the cash, where he finds the young girl already there. Did you find out what size you are? She asks him. No the man replies, but I would like to buy 12 feet of that fence!

Got Creamed

==========
Like A Frog

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.

"What for?" asked his grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

Flipper Street

==========
Caught Speeding

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"

Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"

Fill Up

==========
Mommy and Uncle Fred

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

Duo Limo

==========
Good News And Bad News

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Dorae-Tank

==========
K9 Unit

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

Cops Hide Here

==========
Are My Testicles Black?

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched
over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a
good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Bus Up

==========
30 Million Dollars

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"

"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"

Broken Bridge

==========
Boom! Was that me!?

Oncer there was three men in an airplaine (White, Chinese, and Mexican) and were throwing out the door things that they had in adbundence in their countries. The Chinese opened the door of the plane and threw an cabbage. Later the mexican stepped up and threw an orange and finally the white man stepped up and threw a grenade.

A couple of minutes later they got off the palne and started walking down the street when the suddenly saw a homeless man cursing . One of the men asked him "Whats wrong?" The homeless man answered "God damned me. I asked him to feed me and all he sent me from heaven was a misserable cabbage. The men kept walking and a few blocks further down the street they came accross another homeless man who was weeping. One of the men approached the second homeless man and asked him. "Are you ok? What's wrong?" The homeless man looked at at him and said "I asked God to feed me with at least a few crumbs of bread and he sent me a whole orange!" The men continued walking even further down the street when suddenly they came accross a 13 year old boy who was laughing uncontrollably. One of the men asked him "Young man? May I asked what is so funny?" The young boy kept laughing and in the first gasp of air he managed to breath he said "SEE THAT HOUSE BEHIND ME? I FARTED SO LOUD IT BLEW UP!!!!"

Bicycle Tree

==========
Who's the Ugliest

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a picnic lunch.

Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked to God, and He said I'm the strongest."

Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."

Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"

Beer Street

==========
Things To Say To Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Bean Car

==========
Specimen

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.

Attention Tree

==========
Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"