Bicycle Tree

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Who's the Ugliest

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a picnic lunch.

Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked to God, and He said I'm the strongest."

Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."

Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"

Beer Street

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Things To Say To Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Bean Car

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Specimen

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.

Attention Tree

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Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Through Bus

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Joys Of A Long Neck

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

Went To Istanbul

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Annoy Your Stallmate

-Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

-Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

-Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

-Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

-Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

-Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

-Say, "Now how did that get there?"

-Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
-Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

-Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

-Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

-Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

-Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

-Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

-Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

-Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

-Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

-Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Water Bridge Way

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50 Fun Things In The Elevator

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14.One word: Flatulence!

15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16.Do Tai Chi exercises.

17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20.Meow occasionally.

21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29.Leave a box between the doors.

30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32.Start a sing-along.

33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34.Play the accordion.

35.Shadow box.

36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37.Lean against the button panel.

38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41.Bring a chair along.

42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43.Blow spit bubbles.

44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH !!"

Stack Living

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Say What You Mean

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking."
She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?"
Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"

Small Charming

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You know you're from Canada when...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17.You head south to go to your cottage.
18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21.You find -40C a little chilly.
22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
24.You can play road hockey on skates.
25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28.You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Printable Version

Skull Cap

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Elderly Ride

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Punk Race

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Confucious Says

Chinese Wisdom, translated:-)
Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.�
Man who run behind car get exhausted.�
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.�
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.�
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.�
Man with one chopstick go hungry.�
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.�
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.�
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.�
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.�
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.�
It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.�
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.�
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.�

Poor Child

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Luck

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.

One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"

"What Dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck."

Monkey Cleaner

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One Good Reason

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

Leaned Car

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Wall Of Clocks

Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.

When she got there, there was an angel there.

Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.

Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said "Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.

So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said "Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times."

"Where's Mother Teresa's?" Mary asked "Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved."

"So where's Bill Clinton's clock?" Mary questioned. "Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!"

Lazy Line Drawers

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Top 10 Drugged Cartoons

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it, her personality? NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? -- Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him.

1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode smokes pot, no if, ands, or, buts about it. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.