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Pissed Roomie
Try these out on your unsuspecting roomie:
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and
grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is
for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring
you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn
it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find
the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before
you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so.
Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why . . . ?" Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your
roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while
twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures
class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's email.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie.
Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit
your roommate when he or she isn't home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were
knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for
a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing,
grab a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and
take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the
mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night,
act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in
your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call your RA or CA whenever your roommate turns up his/her
music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour.
Don't say anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was
really important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard
the fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a
pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful
foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them
on when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where
he/she can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk.
Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to
bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say
Jesus or God Dammit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that one died. Name another one after your
roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they
all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you
got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out
of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never
anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate
isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever
you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Be on the phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in Philly.
102. Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't
smell.
103. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your
roommate you feel it should be more socially acceptable and you
are doing your part.
104. Try not washing. For a semester.
105. Spend a lot of time high.
106. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
107. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."
108. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.
109. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and
pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe
out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are
drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
110. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."
111. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.
112. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that
you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in
about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not
a hard man to find.
113. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.
114. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.
115. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist . . . "
116. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."
117. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans."
Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
118. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
119. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.
120. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
day in bed.
121. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
122. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."
123. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
124. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in
the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love
the paintings.
125. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
126. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
127. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "rare gases." Look at them often. One day,
act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having
released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out
of the room.
128. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
129. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize,
and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
130. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.
131. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.
132. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."
133. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."
134. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
135. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
136. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor
and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate
walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing
about them.
137. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at
your roommate every morning.
138. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
139. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave
and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk
in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here
again."
140. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and
kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
141. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again.
Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they
deserved it.
142. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as
soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are
Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible
nightmares.
143. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons
and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything
more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
144. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.
145. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that
you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
146. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that
no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
147. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where
the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then
go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.
148. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
149. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the
straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
150. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the
plant ever again.
151. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
152. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
153. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon . . . "
154. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes
back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!"
Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your
roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore
your roommate.
155. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give
them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."
156. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on
the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little . . . "
157. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you
don't know how they got there.
158. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.
159. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to
your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to
your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
160. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of
your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."
161. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of
the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
162. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you."
Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember
what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!"
Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
163. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people
in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants
to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
164. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.
165. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.
166. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate
that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots
of bacon.
167. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore
the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then
say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that
you are hungry.
168. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
169. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an
hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the window again.
170. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."
171. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it
to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
172. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If
your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get
your roommate to bring you food and water.
173. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it
with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely,
opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate,
"Psst! Is it gone?"
174. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
you normally would.
175. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited,
telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
176. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping
up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
177. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every
so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until
you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate
protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that any more, Murray."
178. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are
sleeping.
179. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
180. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your
thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a
few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
181. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
182. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the
lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell,
"Okay, guys, you can come out now."
183. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells
you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A
king?"
184. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing,
doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a
lot faster with two players."
185. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
