House Car

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Star Hangover

1 star hangover * - No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover * * - No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * * - Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends, after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * * - You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems
depending on your gender. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes
look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following:
Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * * - You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently.

6 star hangover * * * * * * - You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a
yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She / He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

Horse Sled

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Bin Laden

Three guys, a Canadian, Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are given one wish each by an Arabian genie.
The Canadian says ", My family has been in farming for ten generations; I wish for all Canadian land to be fertile."
POOF he gets his wish.
Bin Laden says ", I love the land I live in and I don't want any horrors to enter, I wish for a wall to be built around Afghanistan."
POOF he gets his wish.
Uncle Sam says ", tell me more about this wall."
"Well, it is ten feet thick, 4,000 feet high and inpenetrable."

"Fill it with water."

Hole 3D

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Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

Hippo Fetch

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Halloween Party

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Giant Cactus

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Not To Be Heard During Surgery

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Funny Eggs

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Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then
she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt
Karen when she's been drinking."

Flip Over

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Spend Your Money Wisely

A man was short on cash but was horny as hell. He entered a brothel on the edge of town and said to the girl at the desk "i've only got $10. What can i get for $10?" To which the girl replied "go in the second door on the right sir". The man walked towards the door, delighted to be getting some action for just 10 bucks. He entered the room to see a huge tv screen and dvd player. Beside it was an enormous collection of dvd porn and several bottles of lube. The man was over the moon with excitement, he quickly picked a dvd and turned it on. He then spent the best hour of his life jerking off and came many times.

He cleaned up and left with a big smile on his face. He then decided to save every bit of money he had and came in the next week with 50 bucks and said to the girl "what can i get with this?" She replied "third door on the right sir". The man rushed to the door eager to see what awaited him in the room. When he entered, he saw a stool with a chicken before him. He quickly returned to the front desk with a confused look on his face and said "uhh there's just a chicken in there!" She stared blanky at him and said "yes sir, what's the problem?" The man, not wanting to waste money, said "fuck it" and decided to give it a shot. He returned to the room, dropped his pants, grabbed the chicken firmly, and drove his member right up its ass. The chicken clucked loudly and shook furiously, but the guy kept pumping till he finally came. The floor of the room had feathers scattered about it and a molested chicken rolled up in a ball when the man left the room.

The man left the brothel and thought "well that wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, i'll get more money next week". Sure enough, the man entered the brothel the very next week with $100 and asked the girl his usual question. She replied "upstairs, second door on the right". The man thanked the girl and rushed upstairs due to his heavy erection. He entered the room with his hopes up, but when he saw 2 guys' asses staring him in the face he thought "fuck this, no way!" As he turned to exit the room, he saw that the 2 guys weren't in an ass-fuck position, they were actually looking down a hole. Filled with curiousity, the man joined the other 2 men and looked down the hole with them. The view was of the room below on ground floor. The man was surprised to see 3 naked girls playing with each other on a bed, and then going down on each other until they finished up fisting each other, each girl screaming with pleasure.

The man was completely aroused by what he saw and he said to the other 2 men as he left the room "shit, that was the best hundred bucks i ever spent!" One of the other men replied "that's nothing man, you should have been in here last week...some guy fucked a chicken!!"

Feeding Shark

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The Halloween Costume

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"

Fedex vs UPS

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Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been
taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people
and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to
be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every
scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Fast Grow

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The Tattoo

A man entered a tattoo parlor and wanted to get a tattoo.

"What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man replied, "I want to get a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis."

"I've never had that requested before. Do you mind if I ask why?"

"Well, I really like to watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!" .

Extra Seat

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A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Eiffel Tower View

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Boyfriend Gone Wrong

This guy has been dating a girl for 4 months now.
She calls him up one day and tells him: "Paul you have to meet my parents. We have been going out for like 4 months". He agrees... The day he agrees to meet her family,he is having some MAJOR gas! The whole drive to her parents house he is letting off some bombs, and he's thinking to himself: PLEASE let this gas go away.
He gets to her parents house, she walks him into the living area. "Daddy,this is Paul".. they shake hands. "Mom,this is Paul". They hug. The mother and the girlfriend go get dinner ready. Paul and the father are sitting on the couch having conversation. He soooo cant pay any attention to really what the father is saying cause he has some MAJOR gas. He thinks to himself: I'm gonna let out just a tiny one.
So he does, he didnt smell nothing and their dog is at his feet, so he figures the father will think it is the dog. The father didnt look at him any different. He thought OH COOL MAN, maybe i get rid of my stomach ache. So time passes and Paul has been letting out some silent "little friends". The whole time that he has been letting go of some gas he was petting the dog to get it to stay at his feet, so the father will think its the dog stinkin'. So he lets out this one which burns his ass.
The father looked up with this weird look on his face and say "JAKE Boy, you better move before that kid shits on you".

Airbus Duck

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The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Drinking and Driving

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The Parrot

There was this man who had his reasons to think that his wife was having an affair. One day he decided to get a talking parrot to spy on his wife to see what he suspected was true. He had come to a local pet store and asked if they had any parrots which could talk, the man behind the counter said yes but there was one problem, we have this parrot but he has no legs and only balances on his penis..
The man was very desparate and said that he will take the bird no matter what problem it had.
So the man took the parrot home and explained to him that he needed it to tell him everything that his wife did when he was away from the house.
So the first few days the parrot reported that nothing had happened when he was away, then one day the parrot suddenly reported that something had happened.
The man was very excited and asked the bird to explain everything.
The parrot said that his wife had come in to the house with a stranger, the man asked what had happened next, the parrot said the stranger and your wife began to kiss and caress eachother, the man asked what had happened next, the bird replied well the stranger undressed you wife, the man said to the parrot go on what happened next
and the parrot said i dont know, i got a stiff and fell off the bar

Dragon Road

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Little Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."