Little Pricks

==========
The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook

Lift Off

==========
Two Statues

Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies. One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes. The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says "should we" the man replies "Yes". They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on. The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to. After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces. The angel says to them "You still have fifteen minutes left" So the man says to the woman "want to do it again?" the woman replies "Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it."

Life Too Short 3

==========
Right up your...

There was a black man, a white man, and a chinese man. They were wondering in the middle of nowhere trying to find a place to sleep. The black man looked at the white man and said, "It's your fault we ain't got no place to stay." The white man says, "How?" "Because you bought a 2002 mustang for your son," said the black man. The white man replied, "Well you spent our savings on 100 cases of fried chicken and kool-aid!" The chinese man didn't say a word, he only pointed. Then they all looked and saw that there was a farm with a small white house. They hurried up to the door and knocked generously. Just then a huge man steps out of the door. "What do you want," he said. They all asked the farmer could he spare them a warm place to stay for the night. The farmer said that it was okay just as long as they didn't steal any food from his crops. He let them sleep in the barn with the animals. After the farmer left the barn the black man shot up and said, "C'mon yall lets try to find something to eat." "We'd better not," said the chinese man. "The white man said, "Why not? He won't notice a few apples or potatoes missing." It made sense to them so they quietly went out into the fields and began to pick everything in sight. What they hadn't planned on was the farmer being there. (Click, Click)The farmer pointed his shotgun at the three men. He said he ought to shoot them for disobeying him after he gave them a place to sleep. "Instead of shooting you, being that you're hungry and all, I'll let each of you pick out your favorite fruit and come back with it," said the farmer. The three men were excited. First the white man came back with some grapes. Secondly the black man came back with some oranges. The farmer said, "Okay, white man, I want you to take those grapes and shove them up your a**!" The white shook his head but the farmer cocked his shotgun again. He did as he was told. Next, the black man's face was turning white. "You know what to do," said the farmer. The black man had to follow through. He screamed during the whole process. He said, "Is there a draft in here? I ain't got no butt crack, I got a butt canyon." Then the farmer said, "Where's that chinese fellow?" The two men looked at each other and fell out laughing. The farmer said, "What are you laughing at?" "The black man said, "The chinese man is in the watermelon patch!"

Life Too Short 2

==========
The Worst Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

Life Too Short 1

==========
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again...
* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Mini Helmet

==========
Parrot On Board

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!".

Porky Pooper

==========
Hearing Problem

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

Milk Bottle

==========
Old Graveyard

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

McDonal Suburb

==========
Man's Bad Luck

A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the FUCKING bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like pussy? The man said: yah, my wife.

Little Burger

==========
Old Hits Re-Released

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.

Some examples:

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".

Mama Im Scared

==========
Son Of A?

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,

"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!".

Poorman Bike

==========
The Bear and the Rabbit

There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes"
They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

Network Toilet

==========
Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Missing Dog Head

==========
Italian Vacation

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

Little Fish

==========
Arkansaw Drivers License Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bubba

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Janitor [_] Still Operator
[_] Un-employed

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ____________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Mother
[_] Cousin
[_] Daughter
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mama's Name: ____________________
Daddy's Name: ____________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
[_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen
[_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff
[_] Cannon Ball

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know