Scared Kid

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10 Words

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.

Severe Body

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A no-brainer

What surgical operation would you suggest for someone who constantly "has their head up their arse"?

A lobottomy (lo-bottom-y).

Service Information

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Health Tips

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table
of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

Secure Server

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the duck and the crackers

A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the bar tender if he has any crackers??
The bartender says No.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers,"
The next day the same thing happens, with the same response from the bartender.
On the 4th day the duck came in and asked the same question.
The bartender says "No, i dont have any crackers and if you ask again i will nail your beak to the floor!!"
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks if the bartender has any nails.
the bartender says No.
The duck says "Good, do you have any crackers!?!?!"

Sea Dog

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Not cool anymore!

You find yourself listening to talk radio.


You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.


The pattern on your shorts and couch match.


You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.


You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.


You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.


You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.


You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.


When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.


When jogging is something you do to your memory.


Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.


All the cars behind you flash their headlights.


You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.


You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.


You actually ASK for your father's advice.


You don't know how to operate a fax machine.


When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Tank Car

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Fucked Duck

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel around trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.

The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.

"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The woman replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a fuck for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".

After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".

So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.

The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.

That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.

The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".

The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".

Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".

Takapiru

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Brain Teaser

A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.
The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

Strong Teeth

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Raggedy Ann

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box???

Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!"

Stressed Cat

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Dopey & The Pope

the 7 dwarves were invited to an audience with the pope.off they all trooped to the vatican.the pope greeted them and the dwarves pushed dopey to the frontand said "go on dopey,ask him the question".dopey asked the pope "do they have any nuns in Alaska",the pope answered"of course dopey there are nuns in every state in america".the dwarves pushed dopey forward again ask him the other one.dopey says "do they have any black nuns in alaska",the pope thought about it and said"I suppose ther has to be in these racial equality times so yes.the dwarves pushed dopey forward again saying "dont forget the last question",dopey says "do they have any dwarf black nuns in alaska,the pope replied "now come on dopey now you are
taking the piss,NO NO NO" so the dwarves all chanted as one "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN-- DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN.

Star Trike

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Penguin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream, I swear!!!"

Smile Please

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your so poor

your family is so poor that when i went 2 your house i stepped on a ciggarette butt and yo moma said "hey, who turned off the heating?"

Standing Motorcycle

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Seasons Greetings

Moneys short times are hard so here's your fuckin christmas card.
Twas the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whore house dad smokin grass i just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn i heard such a clatter i arose from my piece to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn i saw a big dick i knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell i knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzles and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.
As he drove out of sight he said piss on you all and have a hell of a night!!

Spermies Candy

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How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Sniper Cat

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Superman & Wonderwoman

Superman is flying around Metropolis horny as hell. He spots wonder-woman on the roof of a building butt-naked taking a sun tan. He says"I have to fly down here get me some wonder pussy." So he flies down quickly and fucks her so fast and flies off. She gets up and says"what the fuck was that" and the invisible man says"I don't know but my ass is killing me."

Sleep Stand

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The Parrot and the Magician

There was this Magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience. After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"